In a group of any given dozen people, most of us consider ourselves at least as good as everyone else, if not just a little better. We’re the upstanding citizens who pay our bills and don’t drive more than 10 mph over the posted speed limit; we open doors for little old ladies and drop a twenty in the collection plate when we feel like attending church or synagogue. We’re decent people.
To maintain our veneer of respectability, we generally don’t talk politics or religion except with people who hold views similar to our own. In fact, there are some things we never discuss with others. Respectability is important, you know? And who wants to have a reputation as a wacko, a weakling, or—worst of all—a self-righteous prig?
Well, I’ve reached the stage in life where I don’t care as much about what people think about me. And I want to talk with you about something that affects you or someone you love–perhaps indirectly through your father, brother, son, close friend, uncle … It’s tearing you apart, building guilt and self-hatred, and neither of you will say a word about it. It has to do with what men do when they’re alone, in front of their computers, which they say is nobody else’s business. Yes, you knew where I was going …
I’m talking about pornography, the so-called victimless crime. That in itself is an outrageous lie. Porn can be defined as a market transaction in which women’s bodies and sexuality are offered to male consumers in the interests of maximizing profit.
The wife is the first victim, which we’ll discuss more next time. Consider that your expectations of intimacy are increasingly unrealistic. No way can your wife meet the fantasies generated by what you watch on that computer screen. Porn in your life or my life creates a giant barrier to marital intimacy with our wives.
Intimacy is based on trust and commitment. Pornography erodes those values and qualities. Almost without exception, you keep your addiction to porn a secret from your wife—from everyone. Over time, you’ll realize that you’re really the primary victim of porn.
A weight of guilt begins to grow, creating anger, resentment, and depression. Even worse is the shame at what you’re doing. Then there’s the fear that you’ll be found out. With that comes isolation. You retreat emotionally and find yourself barren of feelings, emptied, wasted, and feeling unworthy. Not only that, the pornography that initially excited you requires bigger and bigger hits. You’re addicted; it’s been called the “the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.”
Porn is a sure pathway to infidelity and divorce. Both you and your wife perceive pornography viewing as tantamount to infidelity. Studies show that continued viewing of porn brings a higher tolerance for abnormal sexuality, including child sex, sexual aggression, and promiscuity. A friend of mine was involved in the hunt for a notorious serial killer. He said that without exception, those types are heavily involved in porn. Put in extreme terms, do you want to be part of/play around with/participate in, something that has the potential to make you a monster?
I can give you all sorts of statistics—42.7% of all internet users view porn—but the issue is you. Do you want to regain control of your life? And where do you go to get help?
Maybe you’ve been doing this so long that you feel you are absolutely unworthy of help. That is another of the devil’s lies. Jesus Christ came from heaven and died on a sinner’s cross for you and me. Don’t even compare. Drop that idea that you’re worse than anybody you know. It’s not true and it’s totally beside the point. The point is that you need help and it’s available. There are trained people who can take you out of this swamp of hideous defeat, destructive thoughts, and self-loathing. Christian counseling should be sought, to correct and heal, to recover and renew, to gain a new life.
Here are a few other resources for help:
- www.restorationpath.org or 877.320.5217
- www.pornharms.com Their FB page is www.facebook.com/PornHarms; phone—202.393.7245
- http://porntopurity.com/resources/sexual-addiction-recovery-links/ This site lists a number of sexual addiction recovery links.
- Possibly your church, or perhaps they can direct you to a reliable counselor.
- Christian counseling. Check referrals.
God’s word is the source of all truth. If you are involved in porn or have a loved one who is, do a search on holiness, purity, lasciviousness, concupiscence, immorality, evil desires, etc.
I Thessalonians 4:3-7 — It is God’s will that you be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable … For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.
If you have comments or want help, please let me know. I’m not a trained counselor but I can point you a direction.
We can work together to give people hope; sometimes, that’s the start they need.
There’s more to say about this very difficult subject. We’ll address the other victims next time. Know that God loves you. He wants to bring you to freedom.